What to do if you have difficulty regulating your emotions

The core solution to difficulties in emotional regulation is to first stop self-criticism of "Why can't I manage my emotions well?" Don't regard negative emotions as mistakes that need to be eliminated immediately. Follow the emotional cues to find the unmet needs behind them. It is much more useful than forcing yourself to "calm down".

I met a girl who works in an operation of a large factory a while ago. During the 618 sales for three weeks, the salty soy milk she ordered one morning was delivered to sweet. She squatted in the lobby downstairs of the company and cried for more than 20 minutes. After crying, her first reaction was to slap herself on the arm and scold herself, "It's worth crying for such a trivial matter, it's so useless." As a result, the emotions she had just released were suppressed by herself. She couldn't do anything for the next week, and couldn't help but lose her temper even on the phone with her parents.

In fact, there are two extreme opinions about emotional regulation that have been quarreling for many years. One is that the older generation or people in the workplace often say that "emotions must be hidden, and happiness and anger must be invisible to be mature." I once contacted a project director who was doing engineering. He was in his forties. He told me that he had never lost his temper in front of his subordinates in his fifteen years of work. Even his wife had never seen him lose his temper. Last year, his physical examination revealed high blood pressure and thyroid nodules. After asking about his living habits, the doctor said that he had been holding back his emotions all year round and had internal injuries.； The other kind is "emotional freedom" that young people like to talk about in recent years. You should express your anger when you feel angry, and you must not wrong yourself. Last month, a netizen complained that a girl in the same department would get angry when she disagreed with her, and she mentioned a few work mistakes to her. She threw the folder on the spot and said, "I am straight-tempered and don't hold back my emotions." As a result, she didn't even get a single vote during the evaluation at the end of the year. She felt so wronged that everyone was targeting her.

These two statements sound contradictory, but in fact, they both regard emotions as a "burden" that must be suppressed or released, and do not understand the role of the emotion itself at all - to put it bluntly, emotions are like push notifications on your mobile phone. They ring not to annoy you, but to remind you that there is something unprocessed. For example, the little girl who cried just now was crying because the soy milk was sweet. She ate takeout until early morning every day for three weeks in a row, without even eating a hot meal that suited her appetite. Her mood was shouting "I'm too tired, I need to rest." After hearing what I said, she applied for two days off from her boss that day. She slept at home for a whole day, got up and stewed a pot of corn rib soup, and returned to work the next day. Why did she need to force herself to "don't cry and be strong"?

When you really get emotional, you don’t have to force yourself to do mindfulness meditation or counting your breaths. I’ve seen many people get more annoyed the more they count, which makes them more angry. It’s better to find a place where no one is around for 30 seconds, touch the back of your neck, or hold your breath. Punch your fist twice and then release it to bring yourself back to the present moment from the "I'm going to explode" state. Even if you squat down to tie your shoelaces, wait until the tension subsides a little, and then figure out which part is not smooth. This method is more effective than any internet celebrity method. It doesn’t matter if you really can’t get better. I often tell people who come to me, don’t regard “emotional stability” as a KPI that must be completed. If you don’t adjust it well today, you won’t adjust it well. The worst thing you can do is cover your head and sleep, and we will talk about it tomorrow. Constantly fighting with your emotions is the most energy-consuming thing.