Five standards for children’s mental health

The ability to express and regulate emotions matches the age development level, have an age-appropriate sense of security and self-worth, be able to maintain boundaries and be reasonably empathetic in interpersonal interactions, have age-appropriate independent exploration and resistance to frustration, and have cognitive development and behavioral responses that do not deviate significantly from the norms of the same group.

Last week at the public welfare consultation point in the community, I met a worried mother who dragged her 5-year-old son and asked me, "He sat on the floor and cried when he couldn't buy a lollipop. Is there something wrong with his emotional management?" ”In fact, this is the first misunderstanding that many parents have about children's mental health: they always think that "not crying and being sensible" is the best thing. To be honest, we have been working on child psychology for a long time, but we are most afraid of meeting children who are holding back all their emotions. The judgment logic of different schools on this point is also different: Psychoanalytically oriented counselors will feel that preschool children can vent their negative emotions directly, which shows that there is no psychological blockage, which is better than hiding in a corner and crying secretly when they are wronged. ； Behaviorist counselors may ask more, "Does the parent compromise without a bottom line every time he cries?" ”——After all, if crying becomes a fixed means of controlling adults, some behavioral correction is indeed needed, but it is far from being considered "mentally unhealthy." As long as he can listen to the truth after crying and not get stuck in his emotions for more than half an hour, it is completely in line with the normal level of age development.

Speaking of which, I have to mention a standard that many parents tend to overlook: security. Everyone always talks about being "cheerful and optimistic". In fact, when we conduct psychological assessment of children in private, the first thing we observe is the child's attachment state to the caregiver. I met a 7-year-old girl two months ago. Her parents said she was too timid. She was afraid of the dark and dared not sleep alone. She hid when she saw strangers. Did she have a social disorder? I chatted with the little girl for ten minutes, and I found that her eyes lit up when she talked about the little rabbit she raised. She would tell the teacher directly if a classmate snatched her eraser at school. When she was wronged, her first reaction was to throw herself into her mother's arms and cry. How could this be a lack of sense of security? On the contrary, those children who remain expressionless when criticized, do not cry when hurt, never take the initiative to ask their parents for requests, and even follow strangers without boundaries when they see them, are most likely to have problems with their attachment relationships. They suppress their needs for a long time in exchange for "praise" from adults, and are more likely to develop psychological problems in adolescence.

If you have observed children in kindergarten, you will find that many parents are now playing "social bullshit" and think that their children's ability to actively greet people and perform on stage is a sign of mental health. Instead, they worry blindly about children who play quietly by themselves. This is actually a misunderstanding of the standards of human interaction. When we talk about meeting the standards of interpersonal skills, we never require children to be naturally outgoing, but rather that they can be comfortable being themselves in interpersonal relationships without intentionally hurting others. For example, some children are naturally introverted and like to squat in the corner and build blocks, but they will not refuse when others come over and want to play together. When they see a child falling, he will take the initiative to hand him a tissue. This is completely in line with the standards. Studies in the field of developmental psychology have long proven that as long as introverted and highly sensitive children have up to par in their ability to empathize, not only will their subsequent social adaptability be no worse than that of extroverted children, but they will also be more likely to achieve results in areas that require concentration. On the contrary, those who always snatch other people's toys and bully their peers, or who will only tolerate it silently when bullied, or even turn around to abuse smaller children or animals, are the interpersonal deviations that really need intervention.

Another point that is easily confused is the standard of frustration resistance and independent exploration. Many parents think that "children cannot afford to lose". Losing their temper if they make the wrong Lego set means they have poor ability to withstand frustrations, and crying if they fail in an exam means they are psychologically fragile. In fact, this is not the case at all. Last month, a third-grade boy was brought in for consultation by his mother because he failed to win a prize in a model airplane competition and locked himself in his room crying all afternoon. His mother thought he had a "glass heart." I asked the child what happened next? His mother said that the next day after crying, he would look up information and modify the wings of the model aircraft, preparing to participate in the competition in the second half of the year. Where is the glass heart here? This is obviously a sign that the ability to resist frustration is up to standard. The ability to resist frustration we are talking about never does not require a child to never have emotions, but that he is willing to try again after venting his emotions. If a child doesn't even dare to try because he is afraid of making a mistake, and has to repeatedly ask "Is my drawing right?" every time he draws a picture, and has to be accompanied by an adult before he dares to do anything, then he has really deviated from the development standards. Of course, it should be mentioned here that different cultures do have different tolerances for independent exploration. European and American cultures encourage children to "try and make mistakes," while East Asian cultures place more emphasis on "obeying the rules." The evaluation will be adjusted based on the family's educational background, and standards will not be rigidly applied.

The last thing I want to talk about in particular is the deviation from the norm in cognition and behavior, which is also the only criterion that requires medical intervention. Many parents always like to label their children randomly: being active means ADHD, being quiet means having autism, and having poor grades means having intellectual problems. In fact, these have strict clinical diagnostic standards. What we mean by "deviating from the norm of the same group" is that compared with children of the same age and cultural background, there are significant abnormalities in cognition and behavior. For example, at the age of 7, a child cannot communicate in simple language, cannot understand basic instructions, often attacks others indiscriminately, and is completely unable to abide by public order. Only when these situations occur do you need to go to the pediatric or psychiatric department of the hospital for professional evaluation. You must not judge the content on the Internet by yourself and judge the child casually.

In fact, these five standards are not a score line that must be stuck, but more like a reference scale for parents. After all, every child grows up at a different pace. Some children speak early, some children walk late, some children are born to be lively, and some children like to be quiet. There is never a unified "perfect template". To put it bluntly, instead of looking at the standards every day to find fault with the child, it is better to squat down and listen to the child's thoughts. Is he happy today? Is there any little thing you want to share with you? After all, there is never a perfect answer when it comes to mental health. Children's comfort is the core underlying standard.